First of all, yes, I smoke. Yes, it’s a bad habit. No, I’m not ashamed of being a smoker. No, I do not smoke around nonsmokers, even outdoors. No, I do not throw my butts on the ground. If I’m not near an ashtray, I put them in a pocket till I can dispose of them properly. And yes, I’d love to quit, except for one thing. I paraphrase David Banner in the Incredible Hulk. “Don’t make me stop smoking! You wouldn’t like me very much if you make me stop smoking!” I really do turn into the Hulk, but without the niceness.
Sign, posted at the entrance of Walmarts in Poplar Bluff, Mo:
NO SMOKING WITHIN FIFTY FEET OF ENTRANCE
When I come out of Walmarts,
I must get off my feet,
And I really need a cigarette,
Cause I’m feeling really beat,
I sit me down and light one up,
Draw in that soothing treat,
Pretending I don’t see the sign,
“No Smoking within fifty feet!”
The manager rushes to my side,
His face is kinda red,
I’m convinced if looks could kill,
That I’d be lying dead,
“But sir, I’ve walked a long long way,
I really need to sit.
I really need my nicotine,
So I don’t have a fit,
Nicotine fits aren’t pretty,
And it’s after twelve at night,
Just let me finish half of this,
And then I’ll be alright.”
This was not okay with him,
He wouldn’t give an inch.
He argued as I puffed away,
Sitting on that bench.
He complained and shook his fist,
He put on quite a show.
But I’d finished off my cigarette,
So I got up to go.